of two minds:

How I Met Your Father

of two minds — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 23:27:58 +0000

That fateful summer played out so perfectly, as if we were meant to be. He worked the front desk at a studio where I was enrolled in an art class. It wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, I thought he was a little weird at first and I was initially annoyed at how he would hang around while I was trying to unleash my creative beast (something I’ve never liked doing when others are watching). But by and by, I learned that we had things in common and by the end of the semester, I was spending the majority of my class time flirting instead of arting.

We had a blast that first summer. The occasional drink after class quickly turned into dinners and hanging out almost every night. I remember the first few times I spent the night at his place, he was a perfect gentleman. We slept fully clothed curled up under an afghan like napping toddlers. The first time we had sex, it was in the morning right after we woke up. We weren’t even drunk. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have met a man I felt so comfortable with.

And it’s true: I felt absolutely at ease with him from the start. When we hung out, it was like we were old friends. Sometimes we drank. Sometimes we just sat together quietly doing our own thing. Once, when he didn’t have the money to take me out on a real date, he invited me over to read lines from a play. Dinner that night was a baguette with brie, accompanied by a cheap red wine, served on the floor of his spartan bachelor pad. It was sweet and romantic, in a low-rent kind of way, and I loved him for it.

Such a Coward

of two minds — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 06:37:00 +0000

I’m a coward. I’m such a coward. I’m a coward for being in this relationship. I’m a coward for not being in it. I’m a coward for being silent, for not being able to say any of this aloud, not even to myself. I’m a coward for not being able to make up my mind and for not committing when I do. I’m a coward for being of two minds.

It Begins

of two minds — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:44:14 +0000

I will never forget the day that I started fifth grade. I arrived to class a bit early and was already seated when he walked in the door. As I was only ten years old, I had no real experience of love or relationships. All I knew of these was what I had seen of my parent’s marriage, which boasted the perfunctory affections of any long-term relationship gone stale. Just the same, when he walked into the room, I knew what it meant to be attracted to someone. I cannot say why or how this attraction came about. In fact, it’s a little difficult to even describe how I felt. He just walked into the room and I knew I liked him. I just knew instantly that I wanted to be near this person. And that’s how my first crush happened: it was so unexpected and yet so unmistakable.

Considering how deeply complex love and human desire can be, I find it more than strange that people bother to ask “why?” when it comes to love, as if you should be able to pin down some overarching reason for your attraction. Is it because he’s cute? Does he have a lot of money? It must be all the things you two “have in common.” No? Then it must have been “love at first sight.” Lucky you! That’s so romantic! There are other euphemisms for it: people say “I just knew he was the one,” or that things “just clicked.” About my first crush, since I was only ten, I’ll exercise some reservation and say it was “like at first sight.” Such a feeling doesn’t strike often; for some people, it never does. I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve experienced such an overwhelming and instant attraction twice so far in my life. I just wish I could say that one of those times was when I met my husband…